Last week, I shared with you some humor. This week, while I am away playing golf, I would like to share with you some golf jokes. They say that tragedy plus time equals humor. And there is much tragedy in my golf game. Golf jokes are the best, but many of them are not quite appro- priate for a church bulletin. Ask me to play golf with you and you will hear my entire repertoire.
So once again, enjoy…
“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.” –
Dave Barry
“You’re late on the tee, John.”
“Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.” “Okay, but why are you so late?” “I had to toss it 15 times!”
One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”
“You’re standing too close to the ball after you’ve hit it.”
After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds be- hind a large tree. After considering his position — and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke
— he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him.
When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him. “Am I dead?” he asks. “Yes, my son,” replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs. “I see you’re a golfer,” St. Peter says. “Are you any good?” “Hey, I got here in two, didn’t I?”
Father O’Malley was playing golf with a parishion- er. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter “Hoover!” under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O’Malley’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!” He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!!!!” By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover.” The Father replied, “It’s the big- gest… dam I know.”
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a “Mulligan” which was
an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot- tish, “What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?” “We call it 3.”
Muttered over a martini: “I hate golf. The only reason I play is to make it easy for my family to think of something to give me for Christmas.”
“I’ll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so ex- cited I forgot to play the back nine.” – Bruce Lan- sky
“Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well.” – Craig Stadler
“I went to play golf to try and shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.” – Bob Hope
Golfer: ‘Do you think I can get there with a 5- iron?’ Caddy: ‘Eventually‘
‘Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.’ – AA Milne
‘Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.’ – PG Wodehouse
“It took me seventeen years to get three thou- sand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” -Hank Aaron
“Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” -John Up- dike
“Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.” —
Anonymous
‘Golf is a good walk spoiled.’ – Mark Twain